Thursday, November 17, 2011

How I Delt With The Loss Of My Father

The fact that my father lived to celebrate my mother's birthday on February 9th and mine on the 11th was the best gift that I have ever gotten for my birthday. On my birthday my father and I ate lobster together because it was both of our favorite food and was actually something that my dad was able to eat after what the surgery and cancer had done to his mouth. My dad passed away on Friday, February 13, 2009 around noon. This date is ironic because my younger brother, Christopher, was born on Friday, August 13. I bought a bracelet with a cancer ribbon on it from the hospital store where he passed away, and I still have it to this day. I also have 3 small stones that say hope, love, and strength on each which I carry in my backpack or purse for good luck. I was also given a necklace with a cross on it and a heart with my father's initials and the date of his birth and death that I still wear on occasion. I love wearing things that remind me of him because it makes me feel close to him, almost like he is still here in a way. I wear a lot of his t-shirts to sleep for the same reason. During my freshman year of college I got a tattoo of the converse symbol on my ankle because the only shoes that my father would ever wear for his whole life was converse sneakers. Whenever I see the converse symbol I smile because he is the first thing that comes to my mind. Now all I have to do is look at my ankle and smile whenever I want to. I have a picture of my father and I in France when I was an infant that I hung right next to my bed so that I can look at it and think about him each night before I go to bed. These are all ways that I keep my father's memory and spirit alive in my life. I truly believe that my father is my guardian angel now and is constantly watching over me, doing whatever he can to keep me out of trouble. He will always be my hero.
Right after my dad passed away my life seemed serial. I was not able to accept the fact that he was actually gone for a while. My grades started to slip because I was loosing all focus in school; all I could think about was my dad. I would often get angry and very emotional so my mom thought it was best that I tried going to counseling. This helped at first because my therapist gave me advice about how I can keep my father close to me even though he is not physically here. It was good to have someone to vent to but she didn't really have much advice for me because it is hard to know how someone is feeling unless you have been in their situation. The hardest time for me after my father passed away was my junior year prom. One of my favorite colors is green and I had the most perfect green dress to wear that night. My sister's best friend curled my hair and I felt beautiful, but something was missing. I cried for a half hour before my prom and ruined my make up because all I wanted was for my dad to see me in that dress. Moments like that are hard, and I am sure there will be more to come, but I have to cherish the good memories that I do have rather than dwell on the fact that I will not see him again for a long time. Rest in peace Daddy. 

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